How to: Shorty

Hello!!! Welcome to another great edition of...

Dang!! I would love to start using that, but I have no idea how to use it properly...

Todays word is....----Shorty.

Shorty, or Shortay, Shawtay, is a term of endearment for a girl you like. Be warned, this word is not for the novice! Only advanced raconteurs should attempt a word of this magnitude! When spoken aloud without autotune, one may often feel awkward. If not yelled properly, you will get lots of stares from anyone in your general vicinity. I find, there is a pre-arranged way to use this word that the average person may not know. The key is to yell it, without as much volume as a yell, and with your falsetto, or 'throat' voice. It is a very difficult maneuver and can frequently leave the user in a state of sheer panic after he has realised his grave mistake! Herein lies the common rookie mistake which I, personally, have had many emails regarding. Wait no longer friends, here is the tip! If you know you butchered it and are risking dismemberment by your african-american compadres, all you have to do is this:

Step 1: This is the most important step of all!!! MAKE NO EYE CONTACT! As long as this rule is observed carefully, you have a chance. Quickly in your head, devise on a scale of one to ten, how awefull it was. 1 being T-pain, and 10 being white-nerd-with-squeeky-voice. Take that number, and if you are white, multiply it by 3. Take that number, and for each point, give yourself roughly 5 seconds of no eye contact. If you used a calculator to add up your total, go ahead and just walk away in shame...

Step 2: Square your shoulders. Tilt your head back slightly. Bring the left side of your lips up and puff them out a little bit. I find it helps to envision the superstar Bono. Or even Jim from 'The Office'.

Step 3: If shawty doesnt respond with a calm 'yeah, whatsup?' look(You know the one), Then get the heck out of there as fast as you can...

If you follow these rules, then you(YES YOU!) can be on your way to using yet another difficult american slang. 

Sincerely,

-Me

How to Listen to music - Part 1

Hello everyone. This is the first of a series im going to start called How to listen to music

Now then. We all listen to music everyday. Whether it be cleaning the house, or driving around town or before you sleep at night. But are we actually listening to it? I mean really listening and experiencing it?
Ok, Here we go. I would recommend you start by finding somewhere to listen. Like a comfy cosy spot perhaps that you sit in to watch TV or where you usually spend free time. Get a hot cup of tea(or coffee if thats what your into) and get relaxed. Youll be amazed at how much you like it.

Next, pick out a CD. The reason im saying CD, is because they are (usually)arranged in such a way to be one cohesive movement. If you get a mixtape of your favorite songs, there wont be any flow or 'theme' if you will. Try to find something new, that you have never heard before. Or maybe something you havent heard in a while.

No music is inherently superior to any other. Listen to whatever you like. The value of music is what it feels like, and this is something you alone experience.

One last tip for lesson one - Stick with it!
If you skip a song, even if you genuinely just dont like it, your missing out. Try to listen for nuances you didnt hear before.

-Me