confused.

-dont know what to write. everything seems ok.

-no. scratch that. hmmmmm...

-well. alot of things are great. a few things arent...

-i really wish i was making more money. to do that, you need a job that actually pays. you need a degree. you need to know people. you need a skill. i currently have none of these things but im trying to make it a priority.

-im toying with the idea of dropping out of school. at least dropping my classes while i can still get out relatively cheap. i dont want this degree. like at all. i dont want any degree at all but man alive i want a good paying job. you see my predicament here? the money making jobs are the ones where the degrees/jobs suck. the ones i actually want to do, dont pay. but then again life sucks. you dont get to have your cake and eat it too. not in life. you gotta do what you dont want to do.

-but what is progress for the sake of progress? its not a step forward. specially if i end up in debt because of it. then instead of a step sideways, its more of a step backwards. why didnt god give me a natural inclination for something like molecular biology or something that would put food on the table. not music. music is a dime a dozen. its cheap. why didnt i get something useful. an inclination towards medical would even be cool. but nope. i dont want anything to do with it. medical? no. engineering? nope. business? negative. i got nothin.

-I would so much rather do a job im happy with that doesnt pay much but that is sooooo frowned upon. your supposed to do a job you hate that breaks your back and come home to a beautiful women who massages you. at least thats what everyone does. alyssas parents are extremely financially driven.

-it would make perfect sense. the one thing i dont care about is the one thing they care about most. i can give her anything she wants. i will always love her and be there for her but that doesnt matter. she lives in a nice house and has a nice car. who needs love. she has her medical expenses covered.

-financial peace? i would rather be in debt up to my eyes and be in love.

-i wasnt raised like you. ends barely met. barely. love was emphasized. not something thats backburner to money. how could you possibly put money in front of love. it does not make sense. read, does not compute. read, blows my mind. i will never understand it.

-but if thats how it is. then where does that leave me? am i forced to get a crap job and just man up and deal with it? can i do something i love instead? is there middle ground?

-im really confused. i dont want to be stuck in date mode forever. im so beyond ready to get married. i want life to freakin happen already. i just wish i could figure out what to do... im gonna talk to you tomorrow about this. so please understand if i ask you to skip dancing so we can figure some of this out. i need life to change drasticaly and im willing to do whatever it takes. it just needs to be done. im tired of beating around the bush. i want a solid plan where i can say for absolute certain that i can have a good paying job and be financialy stable within this set amount of time. i want to be able to look you in the eyes and feel like im honestly doing everything i can to make this happen for us. right now though, i cant say that. you deserve more.

-me