How to: Shorty

Hello!!! Welcome to another great edition of...

Dang!! I would love to start using that, but I have no idea how to use it properly...

Todays word is....----Shorty.

Shorty, or Shortay, Shawtay, is a term of endearment for a girl you like. Be warned, this word is not for the novice! Only advanced raconteurs should attempt a word of this magnitude! When spoken aloud without autotune, one may often feel awkward. If not yelled properly, you will get lots of stares from anyone in your general vicinity. I find, there is a pre-arranged way to use this word that the average person may not know. The key is to yell it, without as much volume as a yell, and with your falsetto, or 'throat' voice. It is a very difficult maneuver and can frequently leave the user in a state of sheer panic after he has realised his grave mistake! Herein lies the common rookie mistake which I, personally, have had many emails regarding. Wait no longer friends, here is the tip! If you know you butchered it and are risking dismemberment by your african-american compadres, all you have to do is this:

Step 1: This is the most important step of all!!! MAKE NO EYE CONTACT! As long as this rule is observed carefully, you have a chance. Quickly in your head, devise on a scale of one to ten, how awefull it was. 1 being T-pain, and 10 being white-nerd-with-squeeky-voice. Take that number, and if you are white, multiply it by 3. Take that number, and for each point, give yourself roughly 5 seconds of no eye contact. If you used a calculator to add up your total, go ahead and just walk away in shame...

Step 2: Square your shoulders. Tilt your head back slightly. Bring the left side of your lips up and puff them out a little bit. I find it helps to envision the superstar Bono. Or even Jim from 'The Office'.

Step 3: If shawty doesnt respond with a calm 'yeah, whatsup?' look(You know the one), Then get the heck out of there as fast as you can...

If you follow these rules, then you(YES YOU!) can be on your way to using yet another difficult american slang. 

Sincerely,

-Me